Tuesday, January 31, 2012

...

as i type this, i'm sitting next to a cat i've lived with for over 13 years. i have to have him put to sleep tomorrow.

he's sick and he's not getting better. he's dying slowly and i can't stop it. i can't look him in the eye knowing what i'm going to do tomorrow. i've never made a decision that hurt more than this.

he's been my best friend. he's lasted longer than any relationship i've ever had. he's been the primary male in my life my entire adulthood. even if i know this is the right thing to do i feel like i'm betraying the loyalest creature i've ever known.

he's not just a cat. he's my entire life as an adult. he's been there for every emotional breakdown, every good day, every failed relationship, every time i had no one else in the world. he's always been there. he's never cared if i've been broke or felt fat or hated myself that day. he's loved me every day of my life since i was 19.

i have no idea what to do without that love. that kind of security isn't easy to find.

i keep looking at him and i know he knows what's coming. he can't stand up on his own or chew food now. he gives me the occasional meow but it's weak and not the siamese howl he's always had.

earlier today i started crying in the vet's office. zeppo took his paw and put it over my hand and stared into my eyes. later in the day he nuzzled my face with his head. he's telling me it's okay, i think. but i don't feel okay.

this feels so completely not okay at all.

Monday, January 30, 2012

nervous and needy and just a general head case.

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions."

my brain is lord ronald. (incidentally, that's from Gertrude the Governess or Simple Seventeen by stephen leacock. it's hilarious and you should read it.) 

my brain is flinging itself madly in all directions. 

i am worried about how i'm going to get the house refinanced. i don't know how to find homes for two of the dogs i've been trying to find homes for forever. my beloved cat of 13 years is dying and i can't stop it. i'm never financially secure and i'm always trying to get there. my job makes me nervous. my marriage makes me nervous. driving makes me nervous. sleeping and being awake make me nervous. 

there has never been a point in my life that was free of worry. i had stress induced ulcers at the age of 7. (true story.) i get stress migraines, which i then convince myself are the result of something growing in my head which then makes me stressed out over whether or not to ask the doctor for a CT scan so that i can know for sure and that's if i can even afford a CT scan. 

i exist in a perpetual state of anxiety and have since i was small. i'm a type A through and through. i never relax. i've never learned how. 

but mainly it's about my cat. everything else would be okay if it weren't for the cat. 

yeah, it's time to sleep. say good night, gracie. 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

kids, religion, and bewildered looking nosy ladies.

the kid and i were in the shoe aisle at target when he asked if i believe in God. i told him i do not. he asked why we go to church. i told him we go because he believes and it's not my place to decide for him what he will believe in. if he believes in God, he can go to church. as we were walking down the center aisle i saw a lady in the next section who had pretty clearly overheard us. she had a look on her face that was a mixture of confusion and disapproval.

i guess maybe the confusion is warranted. even i'm confused about me going to church. i've told my husband that as a sleep deprived atheist, the thing i want to do most is get up early on sunday and hear a sermon.

the disapproval though? what's up with that? i thought the point of having freedom of religion is to allow everyone to decide what to believe, even kids. if he hadn't asked for some time to go to church we wouldn't go. he expressed an interest, though, so he goes. simple. right?

i don't know. maybe i misinterpreted her expression. maybe she hadn't heard us at all. it just feels like when i proclaim myself to be an atheist it elicits a range of responses from people and most of them aren't too pleasant, so i might have a complex about it. logically i know not everyone is staring and pointing and wanting to brand me with a scarlet A. (it's not even the good scarlet A. at least that one entitles the wearer to a bit of fun.) this area of the country is pretty religious so it's easy to feel conspicuous.

and now for something completely different.

the husband is out of town for the night and it's been just me and the kid today. i let him watch the movie Head, starring the monkees. it's rated G, so there's that. he loved it. i feel like he got just a little bit cooler today. now if i can just get him to remember that george, paul, john, and ringo are the beatles and mike, mickey, peter, and davy are the monkees. he thought julian was mickey's son. that's gonna take some work.

it's been hard to write lately. i haven't had anything to say. it's weird. i think i'm getting over that.