Tuesday, January 31, 2012

...

as i type this, i'm sitting next to a cat i've lived with for over 13 years. i have to have him put to sleep tomorrow.

he's sick and he's not getting better. he's dying slowly and i can't stop it. i can't look him in the eye knowing what i'm going to do tomorrow. i've never made a decision that hurt more than this.

he's been my best friend. he's lasted longer than any relationship i've ever had. he's been the primary male in my life my entire adulthood. even if i know this is the right thing to do i feel like i'm betraying the loyalest creature i've ever known.

he's not just a cat. he's my entire life as an adult. he's been there for every emotional breakdown, every good day, every failed relationship, every time i had no one else in the world. he's always been there. he's never cared if i've been broke or felt fat or hated myself that day. he's loved me every day of my life since i was 19.

i have no idea what to do without that love. that kind of security isn't easy to find.

i keep looking at him and i know he knows what's coming. he can't stand up on his own or chew food now. he gives me the occasional meow but it's weak and not the siamese howl he's always had.

earlier today i started crying in the vet's office. zeppo took his paw and put it over my hand and stared into my eyes. later in the day he nuzzled my face with his head. he's telling me it's okay, i think. but i don't feel okay.

this feels so completely not okay at all.

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