Monday, January 30, 2012

nervous and needy and just a general head case.

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions."

my brain is lord ronald. (incidentally, that's from Gertrude the Governess or Simple Seventeen by stephen leacock. it's hilarious and you should read it.) 

my brain is flinging itself madly in all directions. 

i am worried about how i'm going to get the house refinanced. i don't know how to find homes for two of the dogs i've been trying to find homes for forever. my beloved cat of 13 years is dying and i can't stop it. i'm never financially secure and i'm always trying to get there. my job makes me nervous. my marriage makes me nervous. driving makes me nervous. sleeping and being awake make me nervous. 

there has never been a point in my life that was free of worry. i had stress induced ulcers at the age of 7. (true story.) i get stress migraines, which i then convince myself are the result of something growing in my head which then makes me stressed out over whether or not to ask the doctor for a CT scan so that i can know for sure and that's if i can even afford a CT scan. 

i exist in a perpetual state of anxiety and have since i was small. i'm a type A through and through. i never relax. i've never learned how. 

but mainly it's about my cat. everything else would be okay if it weren't for the cat. 

yeah, it's time to sleep. say good night, gracie. 

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